


Sorry to stop your villain monologue, but...

by Panamic



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Awesome Clint Barton, BAMF Clint Barton, BAMF Natasha Romanov, BAMF Tony Stark, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Clint Barton & Tony Stark Friendship, Clint Barton and Natasha Romanov and Tony Stark Friendship, Competent Tony Stark, Gen, Humour, Natasha Romanov & Tony Stark Friendship, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, One Shot, You don't need superpowers to be awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 01:13:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17416157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Panamic/pseuds/Panamic
Summary: Some villains think that just because Clint, Tony and Natasha don't have superpowers it makes them weaker, or easier to capture.They are SOOO wrong.The three of them just enjoy escaping every time they are captured though, because they think it's fun.Humour.(I reccomend reading late at night (instead of sleeping), it will probably seem funnier then)





	Sorry to stop your villain monologue, but...

Most villains look at the Avengers and think ‘Oh look, a group of six superpowered people out kicking bad guy butts, I should probably stay away from them.’

Some villains look at the Avengers and think ‘A green rage monster, a Norse god, a super-soldier, a man in a tin can, and two assassins. Pretty dangerous, huh? I might want to be careful when I enact my plan of world domination’.

Then there are the very rare people who look at the Avengers and think ‘Why the hell are there three ordinary humans on a superhero team? That’s such an obvious weakness, and now I’m going to find a way to exploit that so that I can take over the world.’

The first category of people are normally pretty safe, because they stay well away from the Avengers and as such normally aren’t noticed by the superheroes.  Sometimes though, someone or something (normally SHIELD) will draw attention to said villains, and then the Avengers will be knocking on their front door and asking if they got the right address or not. (“ _We get that you were running late and were a bit confused, Clint, but why would you knock on his **door**!?”_).

The second category of people are never safe. The Avenges always come after them and stop them, in one way or another. Whether that be showing up moments before the villain seizes control of the world or making a dramatic entrance by falling through the roof and landing in the middle of the Annual 2013 International Villains Meeting. ( _“You should have known that the roof can’t support the weight of your suit, Tony!”_ ).

The third category however, always meet their end in the most embarrassing ways. While the least common type of villain, they do come along often enough that the two assassin’s and the genius have plenty of experience in escaping together. Normally they don’t get captured in the first place, but sometimes it happens when one of the three aforementioned ‘ordinary humans’ does something stupid, like walking into the evil lair and asking the minions where their supervillain boss is, which inevitably led to the capture of the three “weaker” team members. (“ _It was supposed to be a **stealth** mission, Natasha, you can’t just walk in and ask them where their boss is!”)_

 

But sometimes it happens even when they don’t do anything stupid.

Like now.  

***

Thor was on Asgard and Bruce was in Africa, which means the team was down their two heaviest hitters. Knowing the luck that superheroes have, it was just typical that Fury chose that time to send them out to an old building that happened to be an evil lair for the villain of the week, Doctor Voodoo. He didn’t seem like much of a threat, so they decided to not bother waiting the several days for Thor and Bruce to return.

The lair was on the outskirts of New York, surrounded by abandoned buildings that had been damaged badly during the battle of Manhattan. No one lived nearby, so they didn’t have to worry about civilian casualties. The only problem was, there wasn’t anywhere to land a quinjet, so they had to travel there in an old, beaten down van that Tony owned (no one asked why) and park it behind the ruins of an old warehouse, then approach on foot.

At the entrance, the path split three different ways, with one going up to a higher point overlooking the complex, the middle one underground, and the far left going to the smaller aboveground building. “Hawkeye, take the right. Widow and Iron Man take the middle. I’m going left.” Steve turned and moved off, shield held low so as not to reflect the light. Clint moved up the right path to the lookout point, and Tony and ‘Tasha slowly moved along the downward ramp, watching for any movement in the darkness.

“It’s awfully quiet.” Clint couldn’t see Steve anymore, and he’d already checked out his building, so he turned to watch as Natasha and Tony continued along the path slowly, weapons raised and ready.

“Wait a minute, I’m getting a heat signa-“ Tony was abruptly cut off as something hit his suit hard, a loud crash sounding as metal collided with metal. He collapsed to the ground and the lights on his suit went out, along with his comm. “Tony’s been hit by an EMP, I think he triggered the security systems or something. I’m going to try and get him out of the suit.”

Natasha checked around her once more before kneeling next to Tony and reaching for the suit’s emergency release. With a click, they released, and the pieces of the suit began to separate. Tony groaned as he sat up, rubbing the back of his head and looking around.

“Nat, Look out!” Clint’s warning was too late, as a man suddenly stepped out of the shadows holding a tranquilizer gun and fired at her, hitting her in the neck. She began to collapse straight away, and Tony rushed forward to grab her, only to collapse on top of her when he was hit by the darts too.

“Cap, both Tony and Nat are down, I’m going to cover them.” He didn’t bother listening for a reply, instead firing a grappling arrow onto a nearby support beam and using it to drop down next to the limp bodies of his teammates.

The villain, Doctor Voodoo, tried to shoot him with the gun, but Clint’s reflexes kicked in and he dropped and rolled, coming back up to his feet again and firing an arrow. It would have hit the guy in the chest, if his arm hadn’t come up and blocked it with some kind of metal gauntlet.

Clint paused in surprise, and the villain used his distraction to shoot another dart, one which hit its target.

With a thud, Clint dropped his bow and fell to the ground unconscious. “Hawkeye? Hawkeye! Clint!” Steve’s shouts went unanswered, as the villain approached the three downed Avengers.

***

Clint groaned and blinked wearily.

His head hurt. Why did his head hurt? He opened his eyes properly then and looked at his surroundings.

The first thing that stood out was the metal chair he was tied to.

_Not good._

The second thing was the metal chairs on either side of him, each one with one of his teammates in them.

_That’s good._

While it generally wasn’t considered good if your friends were kidnapped and tied up, he was glad they were here with him, because it raised their chances at escaping considerably.

The more’s the merrier.

He noted that all three metal chairs were facing a single ornate wooden chair, which he assumed was reserved for their captor.

_That’s good, it means he intends to talk to us, which gives us a chance at negotiating our way out._

Natasha woke then, but without the groaning and the slow blinking that Clint had done, just opening her eyes and sitting to attention suddenly. Tony was still asleep though, so the two looked at each other and silently considered their situation.

They were both thinking still when the door opened with an echoing thud, and Doctor Voodoo himself strolled in leisurely, hands clasped behind his back and wearing a condescending smirk.

Clint could already tell that the guy was an overconfident asshole that they could easily beat. In fact, this was probably going to be quite _fun_.

“Greetings. I’m sure you’re wondering why you’re here.”

He sat down on his chair and rested his hands on his knees, looking between Clint and Natasha.

“Not really, no.” A flicker of surprise crossed his face at Clint’s answer, but he continued on as if he hadn’t heard.

“You see, all those other villains out there seem to think that you’re unbeatable, but it simply isn’t so. You’re human, like the rest of us, and if my plan works, then everyone will realise us. The Avengers won’t seem so powerful after this.” Natasha rolled her eyes as the villain began his monologing, and Clint debated letting him give his speech, but then he remembered that Steve was cooking pasta for dinner tonight, and Steve cooked a _mean_ pasta. He didn’t want to miss that.

“Look, I’m sorry, I really am, I would love to let you tell us your tragic backstory and then explain your evil plan for defeating the Avengers, but I want to be home in time for dinner, so can we please just wrap this up now?”

Doctor Voodoo looked taken aback at Clint’s abruptness, and he just sat there in shock for a second, before he recovered. He sat up straighter and honest to god _stuck his nose in the air._ It gave Clint the impression of a vain bird puffing up his feathers and trying to look self-important.

“I don’t think you quite understand, you see-“ He was cut off ( _again_ ) when Natasha spoke up.

“Look, we’re sorry, but we’ve already got an escape plan and everything, so we’ll be out of here soon, and you really won’t have time to give us your monologue.”

The man was annoyed for a second, before he began to look suspicious at the mention of an escape plan, so Clint jumped on the opportunity.

“Or maybe we’re just telling you that we have an escape plan because we actually don’t, but we want you to get paranoid so that way you’ll make a mistake and we can escape.”

Natasha nodded thoughtfully and glanced at Clint briefly before returning her gaze to the confused face of Doctor Voodoo. “But maybe my partner only said that because we do actually have an escape plan and he wants you to believe that we don’t, so he’s making up excuses to explain why I would say something like that.”

The corner of Clint’s lips twitched briefly before he recovered and turned his expression carefully blank. “Or maybe it’s entirely different. Maybe, we let you capture us because we realised that you had set a trap for us, and we needed to find your _real_ base of operations. Which if I’m not mistaken, we are in your real lair now, and that would mean that everything it is going according to our plan. We could have trackers implanted in us, and reinforcements might be on their way as we speak.”

Shrugging in a way that conveyed a boredom she wasn’t feeling (quite the contrary, in fact), Natasha turned to look at Clint now, ignoring the still slack face of their captor. “Or it was entirely accidental, and Clint is just bluffing.”

“I could be. Maybe we do actually have a plan and I’m just suggesting alternate scenarios to throw him off his rhythm.”

“We could not be the real Avengers, maybe we’re just Life Model Decoy’s created by Tony Stark, and we’re filled with explosives that are set to blow soon. You and your whole base would be taken out.”

“Entirely possible. Or we could be superpowered aliens disguised as the Avengers, so that you’d bring us into your lair, then we’d destroy it from the inside.”

“Or we could be magical illusions created by a sorcerer, who’s applying for a role in the Avengers team, and this is just a test for him.”

“It could be that Doctor Voodoo here is actually suffering from a bad head wound, and as a result is hallucinating. That would mean we’re not really here.”

“Maybe it’s not hallucinating, he could be under the influence of a new type of mind control, and all this is a strange situation being projected into his mind using highly advanced technology.”

“Perhaps it’s part of a bizarre new illegal medical experiment, and Doctor Voodoo is the first unwilling participant.”

“This could all be a dream.”

“But we’re all experiencing this in first person perspective, so how could it be a dream?”

“I don’t know, telepathy?”

“Shared dreams?”

At this point Natasha could practically hear the ticking as Doctor Voodoo tried to understand what the hell was happening. The poor man was having no luck, and his expression was so thoroughly flabbergasted she had to resist the urge to laugh. It was time to play her trump card.

”All very possible, Clint, but we’re forgetting a very important explanation for this.”

“Oh yeah, what is it?”

“Maybe we’re only telling him all these things because we’ve been trying to distract him.”

“Why would we need to distract him?”

“To give Tony enough time to pick his lock.”

That’s when the previously-assumed-unconscious Tony leapt out of his chair and shot Doctor Voodoo in the chest with his gauntlet (the one that turns into a watch) before anyone could react.

This was followed by the enthusiastic cheering and applause of Natasha and Clint, as they too had picked their locks.

Tony grinned and took a mock bow.

From over against the wall, Doctor Voodoo groaned, no doubt having chest pains after that close-range shot.

Tony high fived Clint (with the hand that didn’t have the gauntlet) then stole the villain’s phone and passed it off to Natasha.

With the tables turned and them now having the upper-hand, Natasha called SHIELD and kept them on the line so they could trace the phone call, while Clint and Tony went into the halls to find their weapons and check for any evil minions. (Cus every villain needs to have his subordinates.)

***

When SHIELD finally got their lazy asses down to the villain base (a different one to the place they had attacked, so Clint was right about the old one being a trap) and took the Doctor and his two henchmen ( _“What? Only two? How did he plan on taking over the world with only two evil minions?”_ ) into custody, they brought with them a frantic Captain America, who rushed off the quinjet as soon as it landed, intent on checking that his teammates were okay.

He was quite surprised to find them laughing to themselves as they discussed their short (it had only actually been five hours, most of which they were unconscious for) stay with the villain, and all of them in perfect health. (Well, as perfect as their health ever got, anyway).

“What happened?” Steve furrowed his brows in confusion as he asked them, having expected them to be upset and/or panicking. But there they were, laughing away as if nothing had happened.

The three Avengers in front of him looked at him in mild surprise, then at each other.

A few seconds passed of tense silence, during which Steve began to worry that something really bad had happened, but then all three began to laugh, the full-blown no-sound-but-spasming-of-the-torso-and-a-screwed-up-face kind of laugh. Tony used his thumb to wipe a tear of his cheek, still hiccupping slightly. “I have never met a more stupid villain. I can’t believe that _worked_!”

They kept on laughing for a while, and they didn’t give a damn about the weird looks that passing SHILED agents sent their way.

They had actually _enjoyed_ that, because it was just another of those villains that thought they could capture the three of them because they were “just humans”. He, like all the other villains of his kind before him, had been wrong, and had failed most spectacularly.

Because Clint, Natasha and Tony could defeat any villain together, and they didn’t need to have a metal suit or fancy weapons to do it. They just needed to have each other.

And it didn’t hurt to have some fun while they were at it.

***

They celebrated their “adventure” that night by eating Steve’s pasta.

**Author's Note:**

> So, just had this random idea.
> 
> I like the idea of Clint, Natasha and Tony being good friends because they're the only non-superpowered people on the team, so I wanted to write them being really awesome and everyone underestimating them.
> 
> I had several more ideas centered around them and I originally planned to start a series just about these three, but I just didn't really have it in me. None of the other ideas really came to me like this one did, so I scrapped that idea.
> 
> Sorry to anyone who was expecting more of these three's awesomness.


End file.
